Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
