you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
