dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
