FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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