I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
