I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
