phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
