Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
