The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
