God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
