I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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