Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.