tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
