I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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