Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
