I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
