Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
ok first of all what the fuck
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
