Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
