everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
