he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
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Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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