well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
