smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
