A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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