True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
