Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
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We have started to decorate penises.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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