Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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