Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
