That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
