your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
