guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
