and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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