I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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