Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
