She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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