Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
