I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
