I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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