We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
