My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
