i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
