so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
