just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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