Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
