How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
