Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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