She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
