One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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