Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
40s are totally the cure
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
