I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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