Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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