My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Randomize
