she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
