i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
