You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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