And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
