yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
