I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
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Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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