Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
