Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
